Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
