the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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