Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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