dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
