Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
