Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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