Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.