She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
