so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
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i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
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i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck