I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
