Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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