You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
