Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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