when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
