I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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