I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
