I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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