Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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