i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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