so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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