I'm so fucking centered right now
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
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do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
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How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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