I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
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Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
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I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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