just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
