your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
