Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
