We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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