we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
