I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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