soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
