This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
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we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
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The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
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