I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
