so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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