haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
