Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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