I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
