Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
