I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
