I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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