I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
