Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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