he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
