Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We're too hungover to prance.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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