I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
