My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
