Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
