why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
