Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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