Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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