It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
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