hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I need to align my fucking chakras
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
