She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
