Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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