I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
