As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
