He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
