Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
