The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
